Im back... life...21st b-day...etc...

Ok so woooowww... its been like..well a long time since I last ever wrote in this thing, but upon reading several other peoples', I thought it would be a good thing to try to get back into...so heres to catching up

This semester has been so awesome-- Ive been just blessed to have some really great people in my life, especially Hayley, who has been an awesome friend to me in the last several weeks.  We've had some of the deepest and most in-depth conversations that Ive ever had with anyone ever, and its been refreshing, because I need to have that in my life. Whether its talking about God, personality, psych, or just life in general...im really thankful for her and everything that we've been able to talk about lately...after losing some other friends when I really was struggling and needed help, this came at the right time, and I thank God for it...

God was something that Ive struggled tons with over the last months and years, and it hasnt gotten any easier, but Im working on it- its all about having that relationship and having it be somehting that consumes your life and everything you do- at a liberal secular university, thats more important than ever...

hmmm what else...ohhhhh yeah today, well technically yesterday, was my 21st birthday, and it was pretty awesome.  I went to the football game to see my Wolverines destroy State, then when home and dressed up for birthday dinner.  Hayley took me out to an awesome Italian place on Main, and I had this great dinner, and ordered a Godiva chocolate martini ( and thats all haha)...wow yummmm --- 'twas a birthday that I'll remember for awhile---

well thats all for this resurgent entry -- a small slice of my life, one thats been pretty freakin' hard over the last year and a half...some of thats my own doing, some is broken friendships, some is the problems of life, but its all worth it, eventually.... pray for me... I know I need it

hey I know that I havent been on in awhile, so Im just trying to say that I'll be posting more soon---

later

just to say...im not suicidal or that depressed, I just needed some expression, I was in a very low state when I wrote the below poem.  Im doing a little better now, feeling better about things beacuse of a few things Ive seen and read, and a few things that I have thought about recently...

God bring me through this tough time I pray

It's time to forget about the past the past
To ~wash~ away what happened

A beautiful song used to inspire me...

A picture was once worth a thousand words to me...

A pretty girl once caught my fancy...

I used to find joy in little things, simple things...

I used to find moments when everything was perfect...

No flaws, and for that point in time, my world was complete...

Now I have this shadow...

Every last moment is clouded by it...

I'm not inspired anymore, pictures turn gray...

I dont feel for anyone anymore, I forget what joy feels like...

I havent fealt it for months, years...

I've brought myself to a cold, motionless, unfeeling place...

A place where nothing moves me, nothing has importance...

I hear beautiful music, I see glorious pictures, I see a beautiful girl,

and I am unmoved, I feel nothing...

It's as if I have become a cyborg, caring and thinking about nothing...

This, This is where I am now...this is what I have become...

I never understood depressed people, people without hope...

Now, I see why, because, when nothing is going how you planned in your life,

I suppose its easy to get depressed...to get downtrodded...

Everything Ive ever worked for is gone...Everything I ever wanted to be is lost...

Everyone I ever befriended or loved has moved past...

Nothing that I wanted to happen has...

I suppose I've been moved by a song lately...I heard one, sad and silent, cold...

Speaking of loss...speaking of a wasted life...which is mine...

Speaking of wasted relationships, wasted time, wasted talent....

There was a time, not too long ago that I looked at everything...

Everything was perfect, I was going to a sweet college, I had lots of great friends...

I had finally completed the previous stage of my life with flying colors...

I had the girl...

Now, on the verge of losing everything...college has gone awful...

I've lost most my friends...

That previous stage seems so long ago...

There is no girl...

And I sit down every night at my boring desk, in my boring dormroom, and try to cry...try to release some emotion...to feel Im still human...but there are no tears...nothing comes out, so I just sit there, motionless, thinking about what point in time I would go back to if I had a time machine, where would I go to start over from...and how I would do everything differently...how I would try to actually live

I hear you whispering my name
You say
My love for you will never change
Never change

how amazing is that...

how amazing